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Just as the title says, it's baaaaack. I gave birth about 10 weeks ago. She's beautiful, and I love her more than anything in the world.
But I hate myself. Well, my body to be more exact. Pregnancy was not kind to it. I gained nearly 70 pounds. I've lost about 27 pounds or so, but I want to lose so much more. Most has been lost from old "eating" habits.
So, here I am, again.
rushedoh so sleepy........
it's been so long.......and, my, how things have changed
i went down to my lowest last december, about 130 lbs. then i met Mike.......he makes me so unbelieveably happy. after getting together with him, i had an amazing moment. we met in english class, he asked me out, and we had gone out a couple times before, one day magically, i said ok to going out and getting pizza. PIZZA! greasy, cheesy pizza. we brought some back to the college to eat before class started, and i ate a slice. what's the amazing part? I DIDN'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. something happened to me. i don't know if it was him, or me, or a combination of both, but i started to come around. it wasn't completely around, but i became less "eating disordered" so to speak, but more importantly, much more happy.
the most recent news......we're having a baby. i'm due in February, around Valentine's Day. this is where the most important breakthrough come in. i eat.......and it's a decent amount, too. i've thrown up maybe 4 times in the last 3 months (which is BIG for me) and have a decent appetite now. I'm about 4 months along, so it's no surprise.
i'm up to about 156. it's depressing that i don't fit into ANY of my good skinny clothes anymore, and the fact i was FINALLY at a point in my life where i liked the way i looked. now i'm going to blow up into a balloon. i'm just scared of how i'll react food wise after i give birth. i have a feeling i'll just starve myself to lose the baby weight. it's the only way i've been able to lose weight successfully. i'm trying to put it out of my mind and just think of now, though.
well.....that's the update.
PEACE
don't askjust an update.....
i'm losing weight like crazy. i got a boyfriend, got my hopes up, messed around with him, and he dumped me while i still had bruises on my neck. a**hole. fu*k you matt. and fu*k me, too. i can't believe i actually trusted him. that's my fault. i'm down to 140 (i lost 15 lbs. since meeting him) and if i even try a little something, i purge it out of stress and whatever else im feeling. and now i'm going to new york......lmao. i'm gonna disappear. i'm so fu*king scared..... 220 to 140 is a lot. i can't afford to go anymore...... and i have some cigarette burns and cuts on my arm and wrists.
it wasn't like i was in love with him or anything. its the fact that i let my guard down, and now i remember exactly why i do it. it's for my own good. to have someone shower that kind of affection on you and then tell you "i felt nothing".......kinda hurts, lol....... i can't believe that i thought i was good enough for anyone. maybe that's it. it's a lot of things. he was the first guy i kissed, and after the first time he felt me up thuroughly he dumped me. i feel used.....greatly. and a bit of a whore....which is a complex that i've lived with my whole life, i didnt need this sh*t.
anyway......its so much more complicated than everything i just said. if you believe that, lol. i dont want to go into it. i might freak if i do. i have the cutties today. i almost put another cigarette out on my arm. i gotta stop that sh*t..... they leave REALLY bad marks/scars.
oy..... i can't believe im going to NY......i think im setting myself up for disaster, but i want to see my girls.... and my best girlfriend since 6th grade.
PEACE
wow, it was the first week of classes when i last posted. long time, lol.
the english class is killing me, lol. i got an A on the first paper though (woo hoo!). poetry explication. gotta love it......
now i have a literary analysis paper due on the second of october. i almost have it all done. just have to type up the final copy and get all that lovely MLA documentation on it.
social science test, the first one, coming up, too. i can't believe i didnt realize that the tests were 90% of the grade. and there are 3 of them! if i got a perfect score on the tests and did nothing else, id still get an A in the class. crazy.
and im losing again. from last entry, i gained, and now im losing. back down to 155 about. and no, that's not skinny, but from being a size 16/18, it's emaciated, lol.
anyhoo, im off. sleepy. i haven't slept a good night in over a week with early classes and doctors' appts.
PEACE
irritatedI'm so tired.......and only after the first week of classes! Pathetic, eh?
For some reason, I've been really bummed lately. More depressed than usual......I was okay for a while there, but all of the sudden I crashed. Ugh.
I've got lots of work to do. Doesn't "Introduction to The Social Sciences" sound fun? Talking about politics down here makes me nervous (norther florida, closer to georgia....."the south"). I feel like if I say something someone disagrees with I'm gonna get ambushed; probably since it's happened before. It was scary, the guy was crazy. I now have no opinion publically, lol.
Wow....you can really tell I've been in school, my grammer and punctuation on this entry is half decent, lol.
On to another topic.....
I've lost weight (not sure if I'm happy or not about it.......well, yeah I am, lol). Eating Disorders SU*K!!!!! The social limitations are what kill me the most. Going to the movies is hard, they've got every binge food possible there. Eating out is a joke unless they have a "dieters" section, which is even tricky sometimes. Would you believe you can't even escape food in a library!?!? A bunch of them have little "cafés" with coffee and cookies and other sorts of crap. I get all stressed out from worrying about food and calories and fat grams that I'm irritable as all hell. Very......snippy? Good word? Bi*chy is more like it, lol.
Well, gotta run.
PEACE
rushedday two of classes today......i think my right hand might have to be amputated after this semester. i'm going to be writing my patoot off for the next 16 weeks. i thought i'd get a break from the writing in this class (social sciences).....wrong! it's ALL essays.
I'm writing essays 24/7 for the next 3 months. This is a problem due to the fact that I CAN'T DO THEM. the english is gonna kill me, ALL we're doing are plays and poems, 2 of my least favorite things.
remember how i was craving school? that's gone, lol. now i just want to get it over with and get my grades (always the best part). i also kind of stopped binging. it's crazy how your mindset can control your food intake.
i guess that's all for now, i know everyone LOVES it when i rant.....
PEACE
downwell......
i feel like s**t. i had my first day of classes today. i forgot how much this stuff stressed me. i'm already missing a class with a paper due on it because of a doctor's appt. (LOOONG story, i've been sick for too long, nothing ED related to my knowledge).
i was on the way home from English today, and I just started crying. I realized how my drug use effects my ability in school, and I feel so stupid. I have (or had) a 141 IQ and all of the sudden (several years ago) I drop out of high school. I'm in college now and I can't do what I used to. I'm not an A student anymore (I got 2 As and a B last semester, but I have no idea how it happened, in NY it would have been 2 Bs and a C)
I'm rambling, it's what I do.
Oh, fuel to the fire. Because I'm slightly tipsy, and.....yeah, the wine.
PEACE
lazyi'm losing my touch. im eating like a cow, puking, gaining.........uggh!
i still cant believe how incredibly depressed i get when i eat like a "normal" human being. eating makes me feel bad about myself.
i have to kick my a** into gear and start losing again. when i came back from NY, i was 8 lbs. down from when i left. now, i gained it ALL back plus a little more. crap crap crap crap crap.....
maybe i have to start reporting my food intake on here.......that'll make me think twice, lol.
im having problems controlling my binges. they were gone for a while, but they're back...... usually the stress of school helps with the whole "not eating" thing, but i haven't gone since june. im starting back up in three days, and i hope it has the effect on me that i'm expecting. (and yes, im quite aware of the fact that everything im saying is f***ed up and crazy)
not surewell........
it's been a while. too long. i got back from NY on sunday after a two week stay with my mother. what a disaster.....
i swear, that woman is pure evil and unbelieveably psychotic. the bitch just doesn't have the "mothering" qualities of a normal human being. she's still wrapped up in her own world. her shrink and me were talking about stuff, and i don't even know how it came about but the phrase, and i quote "[your step-father] fucked you". no joke. i couldn't believe it. then, when i told my mother, she had NO reaction. my father and grandmother's reaction was "WHAT?!?!". mom's was just confused. all she seemed to care about was what we were talking about when the shrink said it. no anger, just a very calm, "what were you talking about?" isn't it obvious?!?! DAMN.
there is so much crap to go through from the last two weeks, but it ended with me telling her that i hope she died from being sick (in which she is). so i feel just GREAT about that..........
my one big lesson from visiting back home: PEOPLE DONT CHANGE. not my old friends, for the good and the bad, and definately not my emotionally removed mother.
it makes me wonder if I have really changed, in which i thought i had.
not sure
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