something stupid
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Fiona Apple
i won't go into it, but I'm always doing something stupid........if any of you out there are suffering from Borderling Personailty Disorder, I can sympathize.........im such a crazy shit

anyway......school is really starting to get to me, PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE! this english class will be the death of me......oy....=)

it's a great distraction from food, though! hehe.

i have so much crap to talk about......but i'm in a good mood, and i don't want to ruin it. lol just wanted to make an entry!

PEACE

.....coming back for more.......
Now Playing: Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine
So.....where the hell have I been?

Well.....I got this letter from this poor guy who told me that I killed his girlfriend. She "allegedly" viewed my site and then later died from her eating disorder......and apparantly I was to blame.

This letter really shook me for a while, even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. I have NEVER encouraged someone to attempt suicide, starve themselves, or induce vomiting. I have done nothing but give warnings and personal experiences. I do not glamorize or praise eating disorders.

But, it guilted me so much that I just stopped going online alltogether. Until recently.......

I was on "Cerulean Butterfly" and the webmaster posted some hate mail she got. One was a letter from a man whose girlfriend had died. Same format, same voice (speaking to the reader as "you"). But the story was different, the girlfriend wasn't the same. It sounded like he was talking about two different girls.

This bastard (or bitch) is making up these stories just to make sick people with eating disorders feel GUILTY about their illness.

So I'm back, and I'm going to make this site bigger, better, and smarter.

I started school.......

.....lost almost 15 lbs. in three weeks.......

.......and am feeling very in control.......

down again, what a surprise
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: SOAD
i hate sex. hate it hate it hate it.

and i know im crazy, so does that mean im really crazy? just been on my mind.

im an addict. of food, drugs.....anything.

i am shit. i am worthless, and i know it. i must be.

how could i matter?

i know ive never talked about pro ana stuff on here, but i know it's a sickness, not a "lifestyle" as so many other sites declare.

after all....

what the point in being thin if youre dead?

realization
Now Playing: SOAD
i know i always say i dont know what i want, whether to get better or not. but thats a lie, i know what i want. i want to starve myself to perfection.........just being honest.

i guess i always knew it, but saying i didnt know made it sound better, lol.

and im cutting......again. i haven't been like this since we left home and moved. i was doing ok till i couldn't get diet pills anymore.......and now im dying for some ephedra............that was good stuff.....you know, with the exception of the heart attacks and stuff......

anyway......im so scared to leave this computer, ive been binging for the last 2 days, i feel like i can't stop......im either in "shut down" mode, which is when im loathing food and wouldnt even drink water, or im eating like a pig.

ugh.

the downward spiral...
Mood:  irritated
just thought i should say that im crazy and all is still horrible.

on a more serious note
i know i just posted, but i have such a serious problem....with sleeping pills, alcohol, marijuana, im lost. i know where im supposed to go but it just seems so far away.

i am crazy, hear me roar
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: the voices in my head
ooooooh im so crazy........i throw up and i restrict like crazy..........so im crazy

yay, fun song. im drunk, kind of. im singing this as im writing it, maybe im just buzzed. la la la la.

i hate penis. lol. i hate penis. ha ha ha ha ha ha. evil penis......tra la la la la. im still singing, ha ha ha ha ha.

i love music, i make the world a better place, and yes, im still singing, the white stripes kick so much ass, la la la la

ill be embarassed later, this was fun.

im fucked
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: White Stripes
im worse. im so much worse. i cant keep down anything anymore. i threw up almost nothing. even what i used to do doesnt work anymore.

i used to stick to 500 calories and 10 grams of fat, 1/4 of what people eat, approximately, every day. In theory, that's enough. In practice, I throw it all up.

Even zero calorie stuff like mustard and pickles, I feel it. You know, "the guilt", the horrible shame you feel after eating too much. Only now, I get it when I eat anything. And i didnt used to be that way.

So i guess what im trying to say it......im fucked.

into it deeper
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: nothing
ok. i now have THREE knuckles with torn skin. all on my right hand, seeing as thats the one i use to gag. uh. bulimia is so sick.......but i dont even know if im that, because even if i eat LETTUCE i feel like i have to throw it up.

i used to be able to eat the "safe foods", lettuce, cucumbers, pickles, etc. Now I have a hard time keeping THAT down. I'm so screwed.........

My hand hurts so much, I never thought I'd go this far into it all. You think youre doing it because you have control. Feeling and knowing are so different.......i FEEL in control, but KNOW ,im out of control.......does that make ANY sense!?!?

And I wanted to thank Freya for her comment, it made my day. Thankyou so much, it's nice to hear from someone who knows the struggle.

I wish you all best of luck. I'm out.

apologies
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: lol, guess
im so sorry ive been away for so long to anyone who cares, lol. i've been too crazy, to worried.

the bulimia portion of my ED is just completely out of control right now, i binge like crazy......uh, not now. ill get into it later.

coldplay concert in 3 days! HAHA!!!!