realization
Now Playing: SOAD
i know i always say i dont know what i want, whether to get better or not. but thats a lie, i know what i want. i want to starve myself to perfection.........just being honest.

i guess i always knew it, but saying i didnt know made it sound better, lol.

and im cutting......again. i haven't been like this since we left home and moved. i was doing ok till i couldn't get diet pills anymore.......and now im dying for some ephedra............that was good stuff.....you know, with the exception of the heart attacks and stuff......

anyway......im so scared to leave this computer, ive been binging for the last 2 days, i feel like i can't stop......im either in "shut down" mode, which is when im loathing food and wouldnt even drink water, or im eating like a pig.

ugh.

the downward spiral...
Mood:  irritated
just thought i should say that im crazy and all is still horrible.

on a more serious note
i know i just posted, but i have such a serious problem....with sleeping pills, alcohol, marijuana, im lost. i know where im supposed to go but it just seems so far away.

i am crazy, hear me roar
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: the voices in my head
ooooooh im so crazy........i throw up and i restrict like crazy..........so im crazy

yay, fun song. im drunk, kind of. im singing this as im writing it, maybe im just buzzed. la la la la.

i hate penis. lol. i hate penis. ha ha ha ha ha ha. evil penis......tra la la la la. im still singing, ha ha ha ha ha.

i love music, i make the world a better place, and yes, im still singing, the white stripes kick so much ass, la la la la

ill be embarassed later, this was fun.

im fucked
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: White Stripes
im worse. im so much worse. i cant keep down anything anymore. i threw up almost nothing. even what i used to do doesnt work anymore.

i used to stick to 500 calories and 10 grams of fat, 1/4 of what people eat, approximately, every day. In theory, that's enough. In practice, I throw it all up.

Even zero calorie stuff like mustard and pickles, I feel it. You know, "the guilt", the horrible shame you feel after eating too much. Only now, I get it when I eat anything. And i didnt used to be that way.

So i guess what im trying to say it......im fucked.

into it deeper
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: nothing
ok. i now have THREE knuckles with torn skin. all on my right hand, seeing as thats the one i use to gag. uh. bulimia is so sick.......but i dont even know if im that, because even if i eat LETTUCE i feel like i have to throw it up.

i used to be able to eat the "safe foods", lettuce, cucumbers, pickles, etc. Now I have a hard time keeping THAT down. I'm so screwed.........

My hand hurts so much, I never thought I'd go this far into it all. You think youre doing it because you have control. Feeling and knowing are so different.......i FEEL in control, but KNOW ,im out of control.......does that make ANY sense!?!?

And I wanted to thank Freya for her comment, it made my day. Thankyou so much, it's nice to hear from someone who knows the struggle.

I wish you all best of luck. I'm out.

apologies
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: lol, guess
im so sorry ive been away for so long to anyone who cares, lol. i've been too crazy, to worried.

the bulimia portion of my ED is just completely out of control right now, i binge like crazy......uh, not now. ill get into it later.

coldplay concert in 3 days! HAHA!!!!

what dreams are made of
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: System........lol is that all i listen to now? switching to diana krall
so i had a dream the other night, that i was talking or biting down on my teeth......and all the sudden they all started to crumble and fall apart, like chalk. this could mean one of two things:

1~ i was just dreaming of what brittany was talking about, asking me if i've ever had problems with my teeth. luckily i haven't, i barely have had an cavities. although the dentist said all my enamel was wearing off and they put some new crap on

or

2~ im going to start having problems with my teeth. i tend to believe in dreams, that they have real meaning.

so now i really dont know what to do. i keep feeling that i should let someone in on how fucked up ive become, but then again........someone would know, lol. that's the best part about it all, having nobody in my life know. my own little secret, my own little world where everything only makes sense to me.

becoming sick and even dying are making themselves very prominant in my head. i can't stop thinking, "what if don't wake up tomorrow?" or "what if i have a heart attack", which is becoming more and more possible as each day goes by

im just stuck. with my weight, with my eating disorder, with life in general. i don't know what my next move is in anything anymore.

uh oh.....
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: SOAD, what else
so...i was purging the other day and all the sudden my knuckles hurt. i guess i've purged so much that i rubbed the skin off the knuckles with my teeth. ouch.
im scared im gonna have a heart attack or something else is gonna give. this is the most ever ive ever done this, to the point to the fact that i have 2 scabbed knuckles.
if i were thinner i'd say, ok, recovery time, but not at this weight.
in other news, coldplay is coming up in about 2 weeks!! yay! love them. other than eating disorders, that's my obsession. music. it's all i got.

out of control, as usual
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: System Of A Down, what else
i cant figure out if im EDNOS or bulimic. just saying.........no reason.

ive been purging, like, 3 times EVERY DAY. this is the worst its ever been, ive never done it for this long like this before..... i feel like im just waiting for a heart attack.

once already today, fast food was suddenly sprung upon me. and i got out of the house to get away from the food.......

its not like alcohol or drugs, an addiction that you could avoid more. its like giving an alcoholic a jug of whiskey and expecting him to only have a shot or two.

youre supposed to eat, but not to little and not too much, just the right amount. and when youre addicted you seem to do either or both......