go go go!
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: John Mayer Trio (love love love.....)
man.......i have a 1500 word essay due this tuesday.......i have A paragraph of it, lol

im so stressed i started crying in the fucking classroom! damn! it was so embarrassing. i suck at english.......

anyway.....im still losing weight.....but it's at a much slower pace than i would like it to be. this is my lowest weight EVER as an adult, but i look like i weigh 200 pounds! i don't get it!

usually you look different and the scale tells you otherwise when dieting, like the "it's muscle" excuse. but im not even working out, i have no time! im losing weight but i dont see it........it's so damn infuriating.

i know i haven't done much to the site. if you can think of something, or even WANT to do something for the site, im open to hearing ideas. just contact me (bbn@mail.com) and make sure you put something under the subject!!

im out for now......i have to start venting more often on this thing.

party time!
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Lauryn Hill (where did this CD come from?)
i forgot how much i loved this stuff. i've been living off of rock for the last year. =P


ok, why the celebratory mood you ask? well.....

i was comparing my weight now to a year ago when we first moved.......33 pounds in the last year, 18 of them taken off in the last six weeks! HAHAHA! the power trip is incredible!

i know this really isn't a "great" thing, but it makes me happy......and that's a rarity, so f**k it!

ooh, i wanted to show off some pictures!

My Beloved New York (my old backyard)

My New Backyard (sorry for the crappy resolution)

My Horse (she's a mini)

you can kind of make those out.......lol

anyhoo.....i'm worried about making new friends. all of my friends back in NY knew about my ED......mostly because they knew me before it exploded into the mess that it is now. that was actually one of the reasons i stopped going out with my friends....... it seemed no matter what we did, we always had to eat. i just couldn't take it anymore, i started pulling away from all of them more and more as my ED got worse and worse.
i really don't know how to do the social stuff without giving myself up.......i finally have a friend (i think, lol) and we're going to see Korn (hahahaha).......but I don't know what to do if food comes up. i'm not really in a place right now where i can eat in public...... i have a feeling i'll just tell her that "i ate before i came". that's good, right? lol

P.S. I'll be hanging around the chat room under "Communicate", LisaC.

something stupid
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Fiona Apple
i won't go into it, but I'm always doing something stupid........if any of you out there are suffering from Borderling Personailty Disorder, I can sympathize.........im such a crazy shit

anyway......school is really starting to get to me, PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE! this english class will be the death of me......oy....=)

it's a great distraction from food, though! hehe.

i have so much crap to talk about......but i'm in a good mood, and i don't want to ruin it. lol just wanted to make an entry!

PEACE

.....coming back for more.......
Now Playing: Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine
So.....where the hell have I been?

Well.....I got this letter from this poor guy who told me that I killed his girlfriend. She "allegedly" viewed my site and then later died from her eating disorder......and apparantly I was to blame.

This letter really shook me for a while, even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. I have NEVER encouraged someone to attempt suicide, starve themselves, or induce vomiting. I have done nothing but give warnings and personal experiences. I do not glamorize or praise eating disorders.

But, it guilted me so much that I just stopped going online alltogether. Until recently.......

I was on "Cerulean Butterfly" and the webmaster posted some hate mail she got. One was a letter from a man whose girlfriend had died. Same format, same voice (speaking to the reader as "you"). But the story was different, the girlfriend wasn't the same. It sounded like he was talking about two different girls.

This bastard (or bitch) is making up these stories just to make sick people with eating disorders feel GUILTY about their illness.

So I'm back, and I'm going to make this site bigger, better, and smarter.

I started school.......

.....lost almost 15 lbs. in three weeks.......

.......and am feeling very in control.......

down again, what a surprise
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: SOAD
i hate sex. hate it hate it hate it.

and i know im crazy, so does that mean im really crazy? just been on my mind.

im an addict. of food, drugs.....anything.

i am shit. i am worthless, and i know it. i must be.

how could i matter?

i know ive never talked about pro ana stuff on here, but i know it's a sickness, not a "lifestyle" as so many other sites declare.

after all....

what the point in being thin if youre dead?

realization
Now Playing: SOAD
i know i always say i dont know what i want, whether to get better or not. but thats a lie, i know what i want. i want to starve myself to perfection.........just being honest.

i guess i always knew it, but saying i didnt know made it sound better, lol.

and im cutting......again. i haven't been like this since we left home and moved. i was doing ok till i couldn't get diet pills anymore.......and now im dying for some ephedra............that was good stuff.....you know, with the exception of the heart attacks and stuff......

anyway......im so scared to leave this computer, ive been binging for the last 2 days, i feel like i can't stop......im either in "shut down" mode, which is when im loathing food and wouldnt even drink water, or im eating like a pig.

ugh.

the downward spiral...
Mood:  irritated
just thought i should say that im crazy and all is still horrible.

on a more serious note
i know i just posted, but i have such a serious problem....with sleeping pills, alcohol, marijuana, im lost. i know where im supposed to go but it just seems so far away.

i am crazy, hear me roar
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: the voices in my head
ooooooh im so crazy........i throw up and i restrict like crazy..........so im crazy

yay, fun song. im drunk, kind of. im singing this as im writing it, maybe im just buzzed. la la la la.

i hate penis. lol. i hate penis. ha ha ha ha ha ha. evil penis......tra la la la la. im still singing, ha ha ha ha ha.

i love music, i make the world a better place, and yes, im still singing, the white stripes kick so much ass, la la la la

ill be embarassed later, this was fun.

im fucked
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: White Stripes
im worse. im so much worse. i cant keep down anything anymore. i threw up almost nothing. even what i used to do doesnt work anymore.

i used to stick to 500 calories and 10 grams of fat, 1/4 of what people eat, approximately, every day. In theory, that's enough. In practice, I throw it all up.

Even zero calorie stuff like mustard and pickles, I feel it. You know, "the guilt", the horrible shame you feel after eating too much. Only now, I get it when I eat anything. And i didnt used to be that way.

So i guess what im trying to say it......im fucked.