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Your Webmistress
Friday, September 29, 2006
long time, no banter, ay?
Now Playing: The Mars Volta (just got it today, they're GREAT!)

wow, it was the first week of classes when i last posted.  long time, lol.

 the english class is killing me, lol.  i got an A on the first paper though (woo hoo!).  poetry explication.  gotta love it......

 now i have a literary analysis paper due on the second of october.  i almost have it all done.  just have to type up the final copy and get all that lovely MLA documentation on it.

social science test, the first one, coming up, too.  i can't believe i didnt realize that the tests were 90% of the grade.  and there are 3 of them!  if i got a perfect score on the tests and did nothing else, id still get an A in the class.  crazy.

and im losing again.  from last entry, i gained, and now im losing.  back down to 155 about.  and no, that's not skinny, but from being a size 16/18, it's emaciated, lol.

anyhoo, im off.  sleepy.  i haven't slept a good night in over a week with early classes and doctors' appts.

PEACE


Posted by Your Webmistress at 8:26 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, September 29, 2006 8:35 PM EDT
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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
sleeeeep
Mood:  irritated

I'm so tired.......and only after the first week of classes!  Pathetic, eh?

For some reason, I've been really bummed lately.  More depressed than usual......I was okay for a while there, but all of the sudden I crashed.  Ugh.

I've got lots of work to do.  Doesn't "Introduction to The Social Sciences" sound fun?  Talking about politics down here makes me nervous (norther florida, closer to georgia....."the south").  I feel like if I say something someone disagrees with I'm gonna get ambushed; probably since it's happened before.  It was scary, the guy was crazy.  I now have no opinion publically, lol.

Wow....you can really tell I've been in school, my grammer and punctuation on this entry is half decent, lol. 

On to another topic.....

I've lost weight (not sure if I'm happy or not about it.......well, yeah I am, lol).  Eating Disorders SU*K!!!!!  The social limitations are what kill me the most.  Going to the movies is hard, they've got every binge food possible there.  Eating out is a joke unless they have a "dieters" section, which is even tricky sometimes.  Would you believe you can't even escape food in a library!?!?  A bunch of them have little "cafés" with coffee and cookies and other sorts of crap.  I get all stressed out from worrying about food and calories and fat grams that I'm irritable as all hell.  Very......snippy?  Good word?  Bi*chy is more like it, lol.

Well, gotta run.

PEACE


Posted by Your Webmistress at 1:47 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, August 29, 2006 2:01 PM EDT
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Tuesday, August 22, 2006
busy busy busy
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: the humming of my gateway

day two of classes today......i think my right hand might have to be amputated after this semester.  i'm going to be writing my patoot off for the next 16 weeks.  i thought i'd get a break from the writing in this class (social sciences).....wrong!  it's ALL essays. 

I'm writing essays 24/7 for the next 3 months.  This is a problem due to the fact that I CAN'T DO THEM.  the english is gonna kill me, ALL we're doing are plays and poems, 2 of my least favorite things. 

remember how i was craving school?  that's gone, lol.  now i just want to get it over with and get my grades (always the best part).  i also kind of stopped binging.  it's crazy how your mindset can control your food intake.

i guess that's all for now, i know everyone LOVES it when i rant.....

 

PEACE


Posted by Your Webmistress at 1:09 PM EDT
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Monday, August 21, 2006
Fuel To The Fire
Mood:  down
Now Playing: nothing (hey, sometimes a girl needs some peace)

well......

i feel like s**t.  i had my first day of classes today.  i forgot how much this stuff stressed me.  i'm already missing a class with a paper due on it because of a doctor's appt.  (LOOONG story, i've been sick for too long, nothing ED related to my knowledge). 

i was on the way home from English today, and I just started crying.  I realized how my drug use effects my ability in school, and I feel so stupid.  I have (or had) a 141 IQ and all of the sudden (several years ago) I drop out of high school.  I'm in college now and I can't do what I used to.  I'm not an A student anymore (I got 2 As and a B last semester, but I have no idea how it happened, in NY it would have been 2 Bs and a C)

I'm rambling, it's what I do. 

Oh, fuel to the fire.  Because I'm slightly tipsy, and.....yeah, the wine. 

 

PEACE


Posted by Your Webmistress at 6:57 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, August 21, 2006 7:15 PM EDT
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Friday, August 18, 2006
stuck again
Mood:  lazy

i'm losing my touch.  im eating like a cow, puking, gaining.........uggh!

i still cant believe how incredibly depressed i get when i eat like a "normal" human being.  eating makes me feel bad about myself. 

i have to kick my a** into gear and start losing again.  when i came back from NY, i was 8 lbs. down from when i left.  now, i gained it ALL back plus a little more.  crap crap crap crap crap.....

maybe i have to start reporting my food intake on here.......that'll make me think twice, lol.

 im having problems controlling my binges.  they were gone for a while, but they're back...... usually the stress of school helps with the whole "not eating" thing, but i haven't gone since june.  im starting back up in three days, and i hope it has the effect on me that i'm expecting. (and yes, im quite aware of the fact that everything im saying is f***ed up and crazy)


Posted by Your Webmistress at 10:05 AM EDT
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Tuesday, July 25, 2006
home sweet home
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: System Of A Down.....surprise surprise

well........

it's been a while.  too long.  i got back from NY on sunday after a two week stay with my mother.  what a disaster.....

 i swear, that woman is pure evil and unbelieveably psychotic.  the bitch just doesn't have the "mothering" qualities of a normal human being.  she's still wrapped up in her own world.  her shrink and me were talking about stuff, and i don't even know how it came about but the phrase, and i quote "[your step-father] fucked you".  no joke.  i couldn't believe it.  then, when i told my mother, she had NO reaction.  my father and grandmother's reaction was "WHAT?!?!".  mom's was just confused.  all she seemed to care about was what we were talking about when the shrink said it.  no anger, just a very calm, "what were you talking about?"  isn't it obvious?!?!  DAMN.

there is so much crap to go through from the last two weeks, but it ended with me telling her that i hope she died from being sick (in which she is).  so i feel just GREAT about that..........

my one big lesson from visiting back home:  PEOPLE DONT CHANGE.  not my old friends, for the good and the bad, and definately not my emotionally removed mother.

it makes me wonder if I have really changed, in which i thought i had.


Posted by Your Webmistress at 11:04 AM EDT
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Monday, May 8, 2006
better version of me
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: fiona apple, extraordinary machine
i just put in a big long entry, and then i lost it.

dammit.

the gist is that i saw fiona apple last night, and i LOVE her. a happy happy girl was i last night.

and im down 50 lbs. now from the middle of january. i also think i might have that body dysphormic disorder thing.........cuz i put a bathing suit on for the first time in about five years and i thought i looked good.....and then i looked in the mirror about an hour later and it looked like i had gained about 30 or 40 pounds in sixty minutes. so.....yeah......im losing my mind.

not really anything new, now is it? lol

anyhoo....i have to get dressed and ready, i have a chiropractor's appt. soon.......damn do i need it.

Posted by Your Webmistress at 1:01 PM EDT
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Sunday, April 23, 2006
A Mini Celebration
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Korn, "Coming Undone"
fitting song, eh?
not self-loathing, just a coincidence lol.

i feel like i should have more than 37 of these entries......

ive been so busy with school, but this is the last week! woohoo! party time! lol

i love writing in this thing. i always say i should write more in here. i still mean it, lol.

so...i lost 40 pounds since january!! HAHA!!!
im starting to look normal man! its crazy, lol.

this is just a briefing, im too buzzed to be sad. classes are almost over, i like a boy =), and i love music. gotta pick that shit up again man.....

lol, i haven't touched a guitar in almost 4 years..... a cello in almost 7 or 8..... im just scared i wont remember what the hell im doing..... music is the only thing ive ever had confidence in, and if that's gone.....fuck.....lol

so, the sooner the better!

PEACE

Posted by Your Webmistress at 7:43 PM EDT
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Thursday, April 6, 2006
go go go!
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: John Mayer Trio (love love love.....)
man.......i have a 1500 word essay due this tuesday.......i have A paragraph of it, lol

im so stressed i started crying in the fucking classroom! damn! it was so embarrassing. i suck at english.......

anyway.....im still losing weight.....but it's at a much slower pace than i would like it to be. this is my lowest weight EVER as an adult, but i look like i weigh 200 pounds! i don't get it!

usually you look different and the scale tells you otherwise when dieting, like the "it's muscle" excuse. but im not even working out, i have no time! im losing weight but i dont see it........it's so damn infuriating.

i know i haven't done much to the site. if you can think of something, or even WANT to do something for the site, im open to hearing ideas. just contact me (bbn@mail.com) and make sure you put something under the subject!!

im out for now......i have to start venting more often on this thing.

Posted by Your Webmistress at 11:53 AM EDT
Updated: Thursday, April 6, 2006 11:58 AM EDT
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
party time!
Mood:  party time!
Now Playing: Lauryn Hill (where did this CD come from?)
i forgot how much i loved this stuff. i've been living off of rock for the last year. =P


ok, why the celebratory mood you ask? well.....

i was comparing my weight now to a year ago when we first moved.......33 pounds in the last year, 18 of them taken off in the last six weeks! HAHAHA! the power trip is incredible!

i know this really isn't a "great" thing, but it makes me happy......and that's a rarity, so f**k it!

ooh, i wanted to show off some pictures!

My Beloved New York (my old backyard)




My New Backyard (sorry for the crappy resolution)




My Horse (she's a mini)




you can kind of make those out.......lol

anyhoo.....i'm worried about making new friends. all of my friends back in NY knew about my ED......mostly because they knew me before it exploded into the mess that it is now. that was actually one of the reasons i stopped going out with my friends....... it seemed no matter what we did, we always had to eat. i just couldn't take it anymore, i started pulling away from all of them more and more as my ED got worse and worse.
i really don't know how to do the social stuff without giving myself up.......i finally have a friend (i think, lol) and we're going to see Korn (hahahaha).......but I don't know what to do if food comes up. i'm not really in a place right now where i can eat in public...... i have a feeling i'll just tell her that "i ate before i came". that's good, right? lol

P.S. I'll be hanging around the chat room under "Communicate", LisaC.

Posted by Your Webmistress at 1:54 PM EST
Updated: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 2:01 PM EST
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